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I am doing pretty well. Sometimes I feel really well and I think that depression is far away and it's not as bad as I think (isn't that silly? how easily we--I forget). But other times I stop in the middle of what I'm doing...laundry/dishes/reading/staring out the window and feel deeply lonely and sad. I have been promised one day it will be gone. When will that be? I wish I knew others who felt this. Or maybe I don't.

I feel most guilty because other than our severe financial crisis, I don't have anything to be depressed about. My children are healthy, my husband is a good and devoted husband, I have a good extended network of dear friends and family. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Although, I know it doesn't work like that. Intellectually, I know. Now for the rest of me to catch up.

Food, Glorious Food

I really love food.

Regardless, I have set a goal to eat for two weeks with NO breads, pasta, refined flour, etc. etc. I am on day two and feeling the sugar withdrawals, but already my brain feels lighter and I have a bit more energy.

A key thing for mental and physical health, in my experience, is to know what you body tolerates foodwise. I know I am a protein girl. I don't do well on cereals (with the exception of granola), heavy breads, processed sugars. And yet I WANT THEM SO BADLY!!!

Sigh. So I am typing it here to be accountable.

Another book I love, is "The Fat Fallacy," by Dr. Will Clower. Will help you to understand how destructive processed foods can be.

dear Heavenly Father,

i know i am not what i thought i would be.
am i what you thought i would be?
are you disappointed in me?
can you make me better?

i stop in mid-life sometimes and look at my reflection.
i am not sure what i see.
so many hopes. so many dreams.

i knew one time from reading that life is never what you planned.
i know now from living life. it is a different knowledge.

where do i go now?
how do i find my worth? what is my path?
how do i find my voice?

forgive me for my inequalities. my iniquities. the ways i do not measure up.
comfort me. do not abandon me.
please, do not leave me.

i need thee, oh i need thee. every hour i need thee.
i believe in thee, and if thou didst create me,
there must be something beautiful here.
help me to find it.

amen. for tonight.