in the dark night of the soul

I heard the phrase in my title spoken by tori amos in an interview she gave in Britain. It struck me as such an appropriate phrase, that each of us in our own way must traverse this dark night in our souls, often alone. But if only we can become stronger for it!! That is what I am looking for: a way to become stronger rather than go on and on in an endless pain and self-loathing that chips away at our souls.

Today I have a phone appointment with my doctor. She is an alternative type, encompassing both conventional and natural medicine. I am scared to tell her I have taken a turn for the worse. I have had to do this lately, after I was doing so well, and I am afraid that she will tell me that she can't help me anymore, that we have run out of things to try. I am desperate to avoid antidepressants, I have been on so many and they have such terrible side effects and end up not working after a year. I don't want to do that again, they make my mind so numb. I feel also that I am disappointing her in admitting my failure, in telling her that I am barely keeping my head above water lately. My poor babies have had to deal with my agitation, and although they seem no worse for the wear, I feel terrible. One more thing to beat myself up over.

I will let you know how it goes.