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I am doing pretty well. Sometimes I feel really well and I think that depression is far away and it's not as bad as I think (isn't that silly? how easily we--I forget). But other times I stop in the middle of what I'm doing...laundry/dishes/reading/staring out the window and feel deeply lonely and sad. I have been promised one day it will be gone. When will that be? I wish I knew others who felt this. Or maybe I don't.

I feel most guilty because other than our severe financial crisis, I don't have anything to be depressed about. My children are healthy, my husband is a good and devoted husband, I have a good extended network of dear friends and family. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Although, I know it doesn't work like that. Intellectually, I know. Now for the rest of me to catch up.

Food, Glorious Food

I really love food.

Regardless, I have set a goal to eat for two weeks with NO breads, pasta, refined flour, etc. etc. I am on day two and feeling the sugar withdrawals, but already my brain feels lighter and I have a bit more energy.

A key thing for mental and physical health, in my experience, is to know what you body tolerates foodwise. I know I am a protein girl. I don't do well on cereals (with the exception of granola), heavy breads, processed sugars. And yet I WANT THEM SO BADLY!!!

Sigh. So I am typing it here to be accountable.

Another book I love, is "The Fat Fallacy," by Dr. Will Clower. Will help you to understand how destructive processed foods can be.

dear Heavenly Father,

i know i am not what i thought i would be.
am i what you thought i would be?
are you disappointed in me?
can you make me better?

i stop in mid-life sometimes and look at my reflection.
i am not sure what i see.
so many hopes. so many dreams.

i knew one time from reading that life is never what you planned.
i know now from living life. it is a different knowledge.

where do i go now?
how do i find my worth? what is my path?
how do i find my voice?

forgive me for my inequalities. my iniquities. the ways i do not measure up.
comfort me. do not abandon me.
please, do not leave me.

i need thee, oh i need thee. every hour i need thee.
i believe in thee, and if thou didst create me,
there must be something beautiful here.
help me to find it.

amen. for tonight.

Much better weekend!
Spoke with my dr on Friday. I worked myself up into a great frenzy before I called, thinking she would say, "Sorry, but I can't think of anything else. You are too tough. I can't help you anymore." I am embarrassed thinking of it!!

So anyway, we spoke for about 20 minutes, and put a plan together. We talked a lot about why I might have slipped after doing so well, and what to think about it, do about it. She asked me many questions, went over symptoms, and when I told her I was agitated often she asked if I had taken any magnesium lately. Magnesium is essential to a woman's essential health, in fact it's one reason we crave chocolate when we are PMSing, because it contains a great deal of magnesium. She told me to drink some right away (I use a powder form in hot water, it is thought to be more easily and better absorbed this way) and see how I felt in an hour. More on that in a minute.

We also went over my thyroid levels and medication and adjusted that. So the plan goes something like this:
1. Magnesium. If that does not help,
2. Increase progesterone cream. If that doesn't help
3. We will play with thyroid, if it needs to increase or decrease.
We went over my supplements as well.
The other thing we addressed is the fact that I must do something for ME and my brain!! I am ordered to take a class, etc, which I am happy about. Also, she stressed I must get daily exercise and must be in bed before midnight at the latest.

So, I went downstairs and took the magnesium. It worked wonders. I calmed so fast. You must know, a year ago I didn't believe in any of this natural "crap," so this has been a godsend. I really feel that between my supplements, my natural progesterone cream, and the thyroid, although I have a small dose, it really saved my life!!!

I have had a much better few days. I am due to start any day (sorry for the TMI), so she also reminded me I would probably feel a hormonal release then as well, which is good. It's also good to hear her tell me to stop beating myself up, take a break, and know we are still getting my body rhythyms and cycles fine tuned.

The greatest gift I have right now? Hope. Hope that this is going to continue to get better, I will figure out what my body is trying to tell me, and then I will be able to get a better handle things .

On a side note, my kids have lost the cable DSL remote, and right now my husband is sadly trying to figure out how to delete programs and get things working. How a small thing can mess you up, huh!!??

in the dark night of the soul

I heard the phrase in my title spoken by tori amos in an interview she gave in Britain. It struck me as such an appropriate phrase, that each of us in our own way must traverse this dark night in our souls, often alone. But if only we can become stronger for it!! That is what I am looking for: a way to become stronger rather than go on and on in an endless pain and self-loathing that chips away at our souls.

Today I have a phone appointment with my doctor. She is an alternative type, encompassing both conventional and natural medicine. I am scared to tell her I have taken a turn for the worse. I have had to do this lately, after I was doing so well, and I am afraid that she will tell me that she can't help me anymore, that we have run out of things to try. I am desperate to avoid antidepressants, I have been on so many and they have such terrible side effects and end up not working after a year. I don't want to do that again, they make my mind so numb. I feel also that I am disappointing her in admitting my failure, in telling her that I am barely keeping my head above water lately. My poor babies have had to deal with my agitation, and although they seem no worse for the wear, I feel terrible. One more thing to beat myself up over.

I will let you know how it goes.

What I won't put in my diary...

I have always liked the idea of a diary. Some sort of journal, some way to document one's way through life. I have enjoyed reading others' life stories, and been grateful my own parents documented their struggles and successes. I like the idea of putting your raw emotions and feelings on paper as you work out your daily adversities. I envy a songwriter/artist/author's ability to find their voice and fearlessly share it with the world. I just can't seem to do it myself.

I sit on my bed, pen in hand and stare at the paper. I can't do it. My anguish is too real, too ugly, and the sight of it on paper is to be aware of possible betrayal of everything I have fought to hide on a daily basis. I cannot possibly reveal my inner battles, my complete belief that I have failed at everything I have hoped to be. I am not sure I want that to be my legacy, the thing that lives on after I am gone to be judged and criticized or pitied.

So instead I will put it here. Probably no one will ever read it. But I hope that possibly someone, somewhere might take some courage in knowing that there is someone out there WHO KNOWS HOW THEY FEEL. Who knows that DEPRESSION SUCKS and that there is someone who is determined to conquer it in the end. I, too, have had that Smug Person say to me that depression is a made-up-thing that lazy people use to get out of work. I have been told I need to just get over it, cheer up and stop feeling sorry for myself. So I learned the hard way, as so many have, to hide what I feel and be as careful as I can in choosing who I talk to about my feelings.

So who am I? Just an average mom, in my early thirties, married with two kids, trying to figure out if we should have more. You have probably walked past me before, stood in line behind me at Disney World, been stopped in the lane next to me at a red light. I am Nobody. But I am determined to find my voice, to find some way to express it.